Don't Potty Train Your Kid

Did you know you don't actually have to potty train them?

Hey, welcome back. 

If you’re new here, I’m sharing advice from my collection of both published and unpublished blogs that I call 

Corner Cut Parenting 

We like to find things you can cut out of your life forever for “easier” parenting of multiples. 

In November’s newsletter, I explored why leaving a healthy age gap between your babies will help make your life easier. All of the issues I had in my pregnancies and behaviorally with my kids now are directly linked to the fact that they are fourteen months apart.

For December, especially now that it’s Christmas shopping season and we’re all overwhelmed, I’d like to get rid of something huge that most people don’t think they can cut out.

Potty Training.

There may be some truth to the stereotype that secondborn kids are insane. Defiance runs wild in toddlers who see their parents parenting from an outsider’s perspective from the get-go. My theory is that they see their siblings being parented before the littlest can really get in trouble, and they figure out cause and effect through observation instead of testing and respecting boundaries. For some reason, this means they never respect those boundaries, and it goes straight to their tiny little heads.

“I’m untouchable”, they think to themselves.

The old wives tale of the difficult secondborn is very true in our family. If my middle child is asked to do something, he isn’t going to do it. When it came to potty training my second, after spending a year and a half begging my first for the slightest tinkle, I threw my hands up before I even started.

Technically, I didn’t potty train him.

I refused to do so after my first began sitting on the porcelain throne just a year prior. I was pregnant with my third son (who I will not be potty training!) and was so over having two in the Terrible Two’s at once. One piece of advice my husband’s aunt gave me, a seasoned mother of seven adult kids, changed my entire outlook on the subject. I can’t recall if I was lamenting to her about potty training or if the comment came naturally but she said something to the tune of,

“Well with so many children running around I just left them alone about it and they figured it out themselves.”

-Husband’s Aunt, Mother of Seven Potty Trained People

WHAT?!

I had been doing everything I could to force my first to be ready for the potty from around age two and a half. So much so, that I created a much bigger problem: anxiety about going potty. For both of us. My first was having meltdowns over accidents, he was angry at himself and discouraged because of pressure from me that I never should have put on him. He went to preschool in Pull-ups and didn’t stay dry through the night until nearly four years old, which is very much still in the normal age range but was a huge deal for everyone involved. Yes, the kids have two very different personalities, but the results speak for themselves regarding how much energy I put in.

Here are some great Learning & Educational toys with the code Corner Cut Parenting, but don’t you dare buy Potty Training Flashcards!

So here’s what I did with my second which resulted in him being fully potty trained both day and night in seriously two underwear changes.

First, and this is the only real rule, I did not decide when it was time to switch to underwear- he did.

I truly did not care if he wore pull-ups forever, that’s how spent and afraid I was. I didn’t ask him to go, I asked if he wanted to go. No pressure, no sticker charts. He was maybe a few weeks over three when he decided it was time.

I laugh at myself now, my first went through an entire bag of Haribo Gummy Bears learning how to sit right. My MIL even spoke up regarding the goodies, claiming that I should be treating them the same given that #2 watched #1 get candy for pooping for six months. Of course, I also gave #2 a few gummy bears when he knew when to take himself to the potty, I’m not a monster. But the entire pressure was off, I was not paying attention to the hour or stressing about rewards- I just let him be and he figured it out on his own. I learned the hard way that if you make going potty an assignment and they “fail”, it becomes a negative and drawn-out experience. If you don’t even talk about going potty they just go pee in the toilet and move on, it’s magical.

So what about singletons? How are they supposed to learn from observation like these secondborns do? I say let them watch you go, just like you let them watch you eat. They learn to self-feed pretty quickly, right? Everyone else is doing it at the table- and they’re hungry. They’ll want to bring that baby fork up to their mouths just to feel included. The same thing may happen with your only child and potty training. If their grown-ups are doing it, they’ll want to too. Especially if some sweet Paw Patrol undies are in the mix and they are calling the shots.

It’s important to remember the science. I’m not an expert, but I am married to someone in the biochemistry world and we share three children. I know that hormonal mombo jumbo needs to happen before a child can even control their bladder. Children need to develop enough antidiuretic hormone (ADH) to be able to hold it through the day and night, no potty song and dance can force that physical development. If you’re feeling judged by others like I was, it seemed like all relatives had potty trained their kids by eleven months in the 80s (yeah, right!) take heart in knowing that you are backed by science! This shift in thinking can help a lot of parents feel more comfortable with letting their three-year-olds wear Pull-ups.

Also, allowing the kids to potty train themselves instills so much trust. When they feel trusted, they thrive. I learned this lesson with my first one-year-old “holding” my preemie newborn. I intentionally never gasped or corrected him, and he would beam with pride. This pride translated directly into confidence that he was holding the baby correctly and eventually, he was. Trust your kids, or at least fake it until they make it!

One reason to wish for potty training success earlier is to get rid of diapers. The cost of diapers and their effect on the landfills is… annoying. I can completely understand why a family would want to get beyond the point of spending $47, per child, per month on Kirkland Diapers like us. An unfortunate reality is that it’s going to be the cost of diapers or the cost of utility bills from running hot water through your washing machine more often. Your choice, Mama! Diapers either go to the landfill or your family will be using more electricity to create hot water (check out Water Down The Drain. Too Much Environmental Pain by Davis Perez). Neither should be taken out on a child who is not interested in potty training yet.

So, don’t potty train your kids. When you’re tempted to bend over backward to get your little one on the potty, don’t. Save your energy for your upcoming preschooler cold and flu years. Allow your child to decide for themselves when they want to use the potty and wear underwear during the day (night can be much later and you should be even more flexible here.) Your babies will be naturally societally pressured by siblings to use the potty enough, they don’t need more pressure put on them unnaturally to do it sooner. Only children and first kids may have a learning curve, but gentle support from you leading by example will do the trick. Remember that potty training can only happen after the kiddo is physically developed enough, and you can’t force that to happen. Trusting your children to do it themselves will instill confidence in going on the potty. This has a snowball effect and will lead to a happy and potty-trained kid. The cost of diapers and utilities may be a large factor for your family but this will not be considered by your three-year-old, as I’m sure you already know!

Good luck!

-LaChelle